The Morning Conversations of Barack and Michelle Obama #33

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 33 in the series.

(In the White House Kitchen)

Michelle: So, what time will they be here?

Barack: Shortly.

Michelle: I still don't understand why you want to have a discussion about this with complete strangers. You say you have "evolved." Why keep the discussion going?

Barack: They aren't strangers, Michelle. They are the "American People." They are voters. And if I can have discussions with Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain, why not the Sullivan's?

Michelle: How did this breakfast discussion come up anyway?

Barack: I received an email on my private Blackberry.

Michelle: The Secret Service is not going to like that!

Barack: I already informed them and all is well. They are nice people with a different view and that is what makes us great as a nation.

Michelle: Ok. If you say so.

(White House Aide enters)

Aide: Mr. President, the Sullivan's have arrived, sir.

Barack: Thanks. Please escort them to the dining area adjacent to the kitchen. We can have breakfast there.

Aide: Yes, Mr. President.

Michelle: This should be interesting!

(Aide escorts the Sullivan's to the dining area where they meet the Obama's)

Aide: Mr. James Sullivan and Mrs. Mary Sullivan, the President and First Lady.

(Handshaking)

Barack: It is a pleasure to meet you both.

James: Wow! It is great to meet you Mr. President! Who would have thought that after I sent an email, you would get it and invite us to the White House on such short notice!

Mary: Yes, what a great honor this is. And Mrs. Obama, you are more beautiful in person!

Michelle: Thank you. Let's sit down. I will have our chef prepare anything you desire.

(Tyrone enters and greets everyone)

Tyrone: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan! I am the chief White House chef. It would be a pleasure for me to prepare anything you would like.

James: Well, we aren't fancy people. Just folks from the Bible Belt. What do you say, Mary? Steak and eggs, hash browns and biscuits?

Mary: Yes! James, you know me so well!

James: Well, after 50 years of marriage, I should know you! Ha ha ha!

Barack: How about it, Michelle? The same breakfast all around?

Michelle: Sure.

Tyrone: Thank you. I will have it for you very soon. (Tyrone exits)

Barack: Let me just say that it is wonderful having you here. I don't get to do this often. Let me fill Michelle in and I am sure you have already told Mrs. Sullivan. Mr. Sullivan sent me an email a couple of days ago after I announced my support of same-sex marriage. While he disagreed with my position, I was struck by his arguments and the congenial tone in which he made them.

Mary: That's my James!

(Michelle looks annoyed)

Barack: And so, I invited you all here so that you could share your thoughts and so that I could make clearer mine.

James: Well, Mr. President, as you know from my email, I did not vote for you 4 years ago. We have some very strong traditional family values, which are commingled with strong Christian values. We aren't believers in that birther stuff and we are proud that you, as a black man, have been able to ascend to the highest political office in this wonderful nation. We are those old fashioned Ronald Reagan Republicans.

Mary: Yes. After your announcement, James told me that he respected the decision you made, even though he disagrees with it.

Michelle: Well, Mr. Sullivan, please share your view on same-sex marriage.

James: Well, as I said, we come from traditional family values. My daddy was married to my mother for 65 years. And his daddy was married to the same woman for 60 years. Similar thing in Mary's family. While we believe that what happens between two people in the bedroom, is their own business, same-sex marriage brings it out into the open.

Barack: But what specifically is your opposition?

James: Go ahead, Mary.

Mary: James has a hard time talking graphically about this kind of thing. But you see, it is hard to see heterosexuals kissing and stuff in public. Watching two men or two women doing this makes it even worse. Young people are so impressionable.

Michelle: Statistics say that gay marriage is not as taboo as it once was and that people are changing.

James: Mrs. Obama, let's be honest. Statistics say that blacks are accepted and respected in society today, but there are more white people that hate you for the color of your skin than you know. Just check YouTube and the Internet. They just hide their feelings and thoughts covertly. They use their hidden power by executing frivolous laws, denying and terminating employment and restricting access to real wealth.

Barack: Well...

Mary: And government statistics say that the unemployment rate is coming down, but we know that those statistics don't tell the real story.

(Barack nervously adjusts his tie)

Mary: But back to the point. It is the unnatural kinds of things that men and women do to each other. I mean, I shudder to think about the immoral kinds of things men use their genitals for with other men, in terms of placing them in each other's backsides. My God!

(Michelle lets out a quiet chuckle)

(James has disgusted look on his face)

Mary: And the women are just as bad. Feeling on each other's chests and using their tongues to pleasure the other persons' private parts in, well, just indescribable ways!

(Michelle chuckles just a little louder)

Barack: (Trying to turn attention away from Michelle) So, your disagreement is with homosexuality as well?

James: We refer to the bible on these matters. Jesus said in Matthew 19:4, "“Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ “and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?’”

Mary: Right! And the Apostle Paul discussed the evils of homosexuality in Romans 1:18-27 and he specifically states, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error."

(In the White House Kitchen prep area)

Chef Reynaldo: Tyrone, are you listening to that conversation?

Tyrone: You can't help but listen. But we shouldn't be listening! We should be preparing food!

Chef Linda: Listening to that lady go on about chests and tongues! My ta-tas are getting hard!

Chef Angela: Ooh, la la!

(Laughter in the kitchen)

Chef Reynaldo: And did you hear her say "backside." That is so pre-1940's! She should have said "nice, round bubble butt."

Chef Vincent: Now my ta-tas are getting hard!

(More laughter)

(Back to the Sullivan's and Obama's)

Michelle: (Regaining her composure) Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan, we are Christians. And we are aware of the biblical scriptures that purport to condemn homosexuality. But is it up to us to judge the behaviors of others? And didn't God give each of us free will? And while I agree with your argument that statistics can be manipulated, divorce statistics are real and they are staggering among heterosexual couples.

James: That is because we play lip service to God and his natural order for us and do what makes us feel good instead of what is best for us.

Barack: That may be so, but the fact remains that people have been engaging in same sex relationships forever and what may be wrong for some is not for others. The world is constantly changing and our ideas towards each other have to "evolve."

James: Well, God doesn't change and Jesus said that his Word would remain.

Mary: That's right! In Matthew 5:18, Jesus said, “For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.”

(Back in the White House Kitchen prep area)

Chef Reynaldo: Did I just hear her say something about t------, I mean that word for breasts!?

(Laughter erupts in the kitchen)

Tyrone: No, nutcase! Tittle! She is quoting a bible scripture!

Chef Vincent: (Using effeminate gay male dialogue) Whew! I'm going to have to read more of the bible! Ain't there a story in there about King David and Jonathan "loving" each other and "kissing?" The bible sounds really hot!

Tyrone: Some people would say that's blasphemous, Vincent.

Chef Reynaldo: Huh? Is that what they called gay sex back then?

(More laughter)

(Back to the Sullivan's and Obama's)

Michelle: Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan, my husband simply made it public that he supports same-sex marriage. That doesn't mean he will marry another man or engage in same sex activities - at least not while he is married to me!

(Barack, Mary and James laugh)

Michelle: But we are a diverse nation and this issue is still left up to the states to decide. The will of the majority of the people will decide.

Barack: Yes. The people of North Carolina have voted and we have to respect their majority decision. It can't be legislated that we have to like gay people as much as it could never be legislated that white people have to like black people. But as a great American people, we should respect one another and agree to each other's right to exist. Jesus will straighten all of this out for us upon his return!

James: And to that, Mr. President, I say Amen!

Michelle and Mary: Amen!

Tyrone: Breakfast is served!

Please be sure to watch the hilarious video below!

Copyright © 2012. Dexter Yarbrough. All Rights Reserved.