The Morning Conversations of Barack and Michelle Obama #31

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 31 in the series.

Michelle: Barack! Why is my aide waking me up at 3AM to meet you in the kitchen?

Barack: Well, it looks like we are having another early morning visitor.

Michelle: Oh, no! You are NOT doing this to me again! I was able to handle Herman Cain. But I almost opened up a can of whoop ass on Newt! Who is it now?

Barack: Mitt Romney...

Michelle: Oh, hell no!

Barack: ...called and asked to discuss the upcoming elections after his win last night.

Michelle: Well, go ahead and meet with him. He's coming to see you, not me.

Barack: That's the thing. He's bringing his wife, Ann, too.

Michelle: Oh, so because she is a woman and I am a woman, I need to entertain her? (hands on hips, neck snapping, eyes rolling)

Barack: Well, I was hoping...

Michelle: Why don't you entertain his wife and I talk politics with Willard?!

Barack: Willard?

Michelle: That's his name - Willard Mitt Romney! He was named after his father's best friend - J. Willard Marriott and his father's cousin - Milton "Mitt" Romney, who was a quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

Barack: Damn! How do you know all of that?

Michelle: Why don't you? This man could possibly beat you. You should know something!

Barack: So, will you do this...again?

Michelle: Do I have a choice, Barack?!

(White House Aide enters the kitchen)

White House Aide: Mr. President, Mrs. Obama - the Romney's are waiting in the Blue Room.

Barack: Thanks. C'mon and walk with me, Michelle. (gives her a kiss)

Michelle: Stop waking me up at 3 in the morning! How come these people can't meet you during regular hours?

Barack: You know why, Michelle! Someone may think it's a conspiracy or something!

(The Obama's enter the Blue Room)

Barack: Governor, Mrs. Romney - good to see you. My wife, Michelle.

Mitt: Good to see you, Mr. President! Mrs. Obama, it is so good to meet you! (handshakes all around)

Ann Romney: It is so nice to meet you, Mrs. Obama. Your hair is so pretty. Can I touch it?

(Michelle looks at Barack with an evil eye)

Michelle: It's nice to meet you both. Mrs. Romney, I am not a doll. No, you cannot touch my hair. But how about we tour around the White House? I'm sure we can find some things for you to touch.

Ann: (looks at Mitt nervously) Oh, sure. I would be happy to look around.

Mitt: Sorry, Mr. President. My wife hasn't been around too many people of color.

Barack: Yes, I see. Well, it's early Governor. Let's go to the White House kitchen and talk informally.

(In the White House kitchen)

Barack: So, what can I do for you Governor? Oh, and congratulations on your win last night.

Mitt: Thank you! We still have some work to do.

Barack: Yep. You can't seal the deal, Governor. What's up?

Mitt: it's just a matter of time. I know it is early, but I just wanted to talk about the upcoming race and to say let's not tear the nation apart with negativity. Let's keep the campaign clean.

Barack: Clean? So, when are you going to get on Rush Limbaugh for calling that young lady a slut? Politics is one thing, Governor, being nasty to an innocent young lady is another.

Mitt: Oh, so where were you and the Democrats when Bill Maher called Sarah Palin a.... I can't even say the word. But it rhymes with hunt.

Barack: Well, uh...

Mitt: See, this is what I mean, Mr. President. You all jump on the GOP for our missteps and dumb comments, but conveniently forget your own. Rush has apologized, but yet, you all are using this for political advantage. That is not right.

Barack: Mitt, the GOP has consistently used buzz words to bring attention to my race. The whole birther issue, saying I am not a real American. I mean, just recently, a sitting federal judge sent a nasty email about me - racially charged.

Mitt: And he apologized.

Barack: He shouldn't have sent it in the first place. The GOP always brings up Lincoln and how they supported black people during Reconstruction. Yet, today's GOP seems possessed with race - and the fact that a black man is the President.

Mitt: We have some extremists in the GOP. Yes. But the Democrats have been patronizing black citizens and others for years, Mr. President. I have driven through black communities. I was Governor of Massachusetts. My father was Governor of Michigan. Boston - Detroit, Mr. President. Some communities look just like they did back in the 60's, if not worse. I am a wealthy man. But as I look at those in my social circles, they are rich Democrats. Most have no clue about what gays, black people, Hispanics and working class or middle class people need or want. They just want control.

Barack: So, were you responsible for the ugliness that impacted the campaign of Herman Cain?

Mitt: Of course not! You and I both know that came from your camp, Mr. President!

Barack: I had nothing to do with it! I thought you did. You know, the whole Curse of Cain thing!

Mitt: What?

Barack: Yeah! I figured since Brigham Young and the Mormon church believed that God cursed the black race because Cain killed Abel, and Herman is the seed of Cain, you put the whammy on his campaign!

Mitt: Is that supposed to be funny, Mr. President?

Barack: (laughing) It is funny, Governor! Ha ha ha! Don't try and be high and mighty! You are a member of a church that, up until 1978, believed that black people were cursed because a brother killed another and because Ham, the son of Noah, laughed at his father's nakedness after having too much wine!

Mitt: True. Our church did believe those things, but we changed. And let me remind you that those same beliefs were taught in most of the major Christian denominations as well. Did you know that around the world, black people are joining our church in record numbers? Gladys Knight, the singer, is an honored member of our church!

Barack: Well, she needs to take a long, long ride on that Midnight Train to Georgia!

Mitt: Mr. President, I was hoping that we could take this contest to a more positive level. Perhaps that is not the case. Both my father and I have always been supporters of social rights. I just want what's best for the country.

Barack: I hear you Mitt.

Mitt: And let's not forget about some of the stuff that came out of your church and from your minister during those 20 years you were a member!

Barack: (clears his throat) Well, um, Mr. Governor, if you become the nominee, let's stick to the issues and present our cases to the American people.

Mitt: Do I have your word on that?

Barack: Of course! I am the President of the United States! (winks at Mitt)

(Michelle and Ann walk into the kitchen)

Michelle: Are the two of you done with your clandestine meeting? Ann and I would like to get some food and rest.

Ann: Oh, Mitt! I had such a wonderful time! Michelle is so beautiful. She, how do you say it, "schooled" me on so many things! Like, black people don't like for you to treat them like zoo animals, just because we are rich doesn't make us better, Brigham Young was wrong when he said that the black race has flat noses, and they all aren't shiftless, lazy and uneducated. Thank you, Mrs. Obama! I have got to stop watching YouTube and the news!

Michelle: (sarcastically) No problem, girlfriend. I have had some experience "schooling" folks since I have been here.

Mitt: Mr. President! After all that campaigning, winning and talking, I'm hungry!

Barack: I figured you would be hungry. I had our special chef, Tyrone, fix us up a special meal!

Ann: Oh, my goodness. I am so thrilled to eat here! What are we having?

Michelle: Black-eyed peas, grits, hog maw, chitlin's, neck-bones, turnip greens and corn bread.

Ann: But I thought you said...

Michelle: Girl, it's one thing to be politically correct. But when it comes to soul food, time to get our eat on!

Ann: Right on, sista!

(Michelle looks at Barack - both laugh hysterically)

Mitt: (whispers to Ann) He must not be a Muslim. Look at all this pork!

Stay Tuned for More 'Morning Conversations...' with Barack & Michelle Obama, next time!

Copyright © 2012 - Dexter Yarbrough