The Morning Conversations of Barack and Michelle Obama #30

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 30 in the series.

(In the White House Kitchen)

Michelle: Barack! Why do you have me up at 2AM!

Barack: He requested to see me before the South Carolina Primary.

Michelle: And you agreed! What is wrong with you? You must really want the "angry black woman" to come out of me!

Barack: I just need you to entertain his wife while we have an early breakfast.

Michelle: Which wife? I've lost count!

(While House aide enters the kitchen)

White House Aide: Mr. President, Speaker Gingrich and his wife are in the Blue Room.

Barack: OK. Thank you. Michelle, he asked for a private meeting and I said OK. The only way we could pull it off is to meet at this time. He is flying back as soon as we are done. Tyrone is preparing our meal. If you could just take her on a tour, like you did with Cain's wife, I would appreciate it. (kisses Michelle)

Michelle: You owe me for this one! What is his wife's name, anyway?

White House Aide: Callista - Callista Gingrich, Mrs. Obama.

Michelle: Alright. Let's get this over with!

(Entering the White House Blue Room)

Barack: Mr. Speaker, Mrs. Gingrich! Good to see you. My wife, Michelle. (hand shakes all around)

Newt: Hello, Mr. President. Mrs. Obama.

Callista: It is a pleasure to meet you both.

Newt: Thank you for agreeing to see me. I know it's early. I hope you're not "angry," Mrs. Obama! Ha ha ha! By the way, you look mighty good in that dress! (Callista nudges Newt)

Michelle: No, Mr. Speaker. I'm not angry. I enjoy being up early to visit with pompous...

Barack: (interrupts) Mr. Speaker, right this way (Michelle looks at Barack then Newt with a death stare). I hope you don't mind visiting in the White House Kitchen.

White House Aide: Mrs. Gingrich, right this way. Mrs. Obama has planned a nice tour for you.

(Walking away, Barack turns and looks at Michelle. Michelle turns and looks at Barack - then gives him the middle finger)

(In the White House Kitchen)

Tyrone: Good morning, Mr. President. Good Morning, Mr. Speaker.

Barack: Mr. Speaker, let me introduce you to the White House Chef, Tyrone.

Newt: Boy, I could eat a horse!

(Barack and Tyrone look at each other - then Newt)

Newt: Oh, I forgot I was talking to a couple of African-Americans! I meant "boy" I am hungry, not "boy," "boy!"

Tyrone: It's OK, Mr Speaker. Can I interest you in a serving of chicken and waffles. It's a specialty from your part of the country.

Newt: Boy, oops, I mean "man", you know what I like!

Barack: I will have that as well, Tyrone and thanks.

Tyrone: Yes, sir.

(Tyrone leaves to prepare the meal)

Barack: So, why are you here just hours before the primary?

Newt: Mr. President, I've got this thing locked down. The American people fumbled the ball in electing you. I'm going to be their new quarterback. You can bet your sweet ass on that one.

Barack: Well, Mr. Speaker, first off, I'm not Juan Williams. You may have managed to make him look bad, but it won't happen with me. Secondly, playing the race card and calling me the "food stamp president" is only energizing my base.

Newt: I'm just tellin' it like it is.

(Tyrone returns with the meal)

Newt: Boy, I mean, this sure does look good!

(Tyrone gives Barack a "what-the-hell-is-up-wit-dis-white-dude" look and then leaves)

Barack: Mr. Speaker, you have been out of office for 13 years. Many in your party pressured you to leave Congress. What makes you think you can beat me?

Newt: I've got ideas and I want this country to return to what it once was.

Barack: What period of time should that be? Jim Crow or before?

Newt: Mr. President, I know what you are trying to say. I am not a racist. I love all people and I love my family!

Barack: Yeah, Mr. Speaker, it seems you've got a lot of love to go around! I'm sure the female voters of this country won't forget! You change wives like a truck driver changes oil!

Newt: Your people have made great gains under us Republicans! Under your administration, the black middle class has suffered!

Barack: Great gains?!

Newt: Yeah, you know! "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps." Separate - but equal schools! Purple Cadillac's! Our God!

Barack: What?!

Newt: Just think, you worked yourself up from animals and sticks and stones to worshiping "our" God.

Barack: What?! So you're saying God is white?

Newt: Yeah, isn't He? His name sure ain't Allah!

Barack: Is your name "Newt" or "Neutered?"

Newt: Huh?

Barack: Mr. Speaker, if you are the nominee I am going to whup your butt like your daddy should have!

Newt: I'm going to ignore that remark! Whooee! These chicken and waffles sho' is good! You sucked that bone dry, Mr. President. Your people sure know sumthin' 'bout chicken!

Barack: (smiles) Oh, and do you plan on cheating the American people like you have on at least two of your wives? Plan on having an "open" administration, like the "open" marriage your second wife says you wanted?

Newt: In what country were you born? Kenya?

Barack: At least I know who my daddy is! Do you?

Newt: Of course!

Barack: Well, I guess you should! Your real daddy left your mother. Like father, like son!

Newt: How dare you! Yo' daddy hair so nappy even Moses couldn't part it!

Barack: Yo' daddy so bald, when I rub his head I can see the future!

Newt: Yo' daddy so old Jesus signed his yearbook!

Barack: Yo' daddy so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom!

Newt: Yo' daddy so poor he went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway!

(Michelle Obama and Callista Gingrich stand in doorway to White House Kitchen)

Michelle: Can you believe those two? Telling "daddy" jokes!

Callista: Two very important men acting like children!

Michelle: What should we do?

Callista: I have to be careful! He may turn me in for a new model!

Michelle: I know! I'll call Hilary Clinton and you call Condi Rice!

Callista: Great idea, Mrs Obama! After 43 male presidents, slavery, multiple wars, Great Depressions and Monday Night Football, it's time to bring some dignity and common sense to the White House and this country!

Michelle: Girl, I like you. How 'bout some chicken and waffles?

Callista: Who's your daddy?

(Michelle and Callista laugh)

Michelle: Tyrone! Chicken and waffles for the ladies! And get those "boys" out of the kitchen!

Stay Tuned for More 'Morning Conversations...' with Barack & Michelle Obama, next time!

Copyright 2012 - Dexter Yarbrough