The Morning Conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama #22

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 22 in the series.

Barack: Have you noticed that every time we talk in the kitchen there is a pesky fly around?

Michelle: No. I haven't noticed. How are you this morning?

Barack: Doing well! We haven't talked here in the kitchen since you got back from South Africa. I have really been busy with this debt ceiling business.

Michelle: I know! I have missed our little talks - and arguments! (Michelle kisses Barack)

Barack: Did you see that article written by this crazy black woman about how black voters should reject me? She acts like it is my fault that the country is where it is. She must have forgotten about the eight years of the Bushwacker! That reminds me of this funny monologue that Chris Rock did on George Bush. Can we get that in here?

Michelle: I saw that article. She is right in that black people are having it especially hard, Barack.

Barack: Well, I have to speak to ALL the people, Michelle! Not just the black community.

Michelle: You haven't spoken to the black community since you were elected BARACK! And I think that is a stupid rationale. White presidents have been speaking to white people since George Washington. You have to speak to Americans on issues that concern them. A little white girl in Appalachia is not concerned with the debt ceiling. She is concerned with having a ceiling over her head!

Barack: (mockingly) La la la! I can't hear you! I've been having trouble hearing out of my left ear. I wonder what that's a sign of?

Michelle: (hand on hips, looking angry) It's a sign of earwax and I suggest you use QTips!

Barack: I was kidding!

Michelle: Well, I'm not. You know I am your biggest supporter. But unemployment IS high, the economy stinks and it is hot as hell outside! Bush is to blame for some of this, but he is gone and you are THE MAN!

Barack: What do you want me to do Michelle?

Michelle: Get off your half-black ass and start talking to the folks that you promised "change" to. Since you have been President, the black community has fallen backwards. And a whole lot of white folks are suffering as well.

Barack: Let me get through this debt mess and I will see.

Michelle: Yeah, right! Whatever, Barack. Guess who I saw the other day?

Barack: Who?

Michelle: Towanda Stokes. She is an attorney here in Washington. She looks really good.

Barack: That's the girl you almost had that fight with in high school!

Michelle: Yeah! She was such a bully back then. And I was really scared of her.

Barack: Why?

Michelle: She was a tomboy and tough! I saw her beat this one girl up so bad. Whew! Then she started taking my lunch money and tripping me in the school hallway.

Barack: What did you do to stop her?

Michelle: I had my friend start a rumor that my uncle was the head of the local gang. Word got around quick. But Towanda didn't believe it and told me to prove it by fighting her. She got in my face and started cussing at me. Lawd, I was scared to death! All these other girls were around.

Barack: Did you run away? Ha ha ha!

Michelle: No, jerk! I remained calm, put on an angry face and told her that if she hit me, I was going to unscrew her arm from her shoulder and beat her brains out with it!

Barack: Ha ha ha!! She actually believed that story about your uncle in a gang?

Michelle: Well, the friend that helped start the rumor, her uncle really WAS the local gang leader. So while we were standing there, he and his boys came up. He put his arm around me and without looking at Towanda, told everyone standing there that if anyone were to mess with his "niece," he was going to yank open their mouth, reach up their throat and pull their eyeballs out of the sockets! Ha ha ha!!

Barack: (laughs hysterically)

Michelle: Towanda and I have been cool ever since. She has a really nice husband and three great kids.

Barack: Nice. Well, I have to get ready to discuss the you-know-what topic of the day. Any words of wisdom?

Michelle: Sure. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Barack: Huh?

Michelle: Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Barack: (chuckles)

Michelle: The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Barack: (laughing)

Michelle: A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Barack: Anything else?

Michelle: (hands on hips rolling head and eyes) Every calendar's days are numbered.

Barack: Yeah, and what are you trying to say now, Michelle?

Michelle: Go talk to the people. You have a billion dollars in campaign funds. None of it will do you any good if you don't reconnect with the people that care about you.

Barack: This is ridiculous!

Michelle: Start talking to the people and let them know that you are with them and that it will take more time to climb out of this mess. Tell them that we, as Americans, will turn things around.

Barack: (shakes head) Ridiculous, Michelle!

Michelle: Ok. Keep kissing the butts of your Wall Street friends and appearing as an elitist.

Barack: You're ridiculous! And I'm ridiculous for standing here listening to you!

Michelle: Alright. Sit back, do nothing and get trounced by some no-name Republican!

Barack: (thinking about losing) Don't be ridiculous!

Stay Tuned for More 'Morning Conversations...' with Barack & Michelle Obama, next time! - Dexter Yarbrough

Copyright 2011.